I am an Asian-American gay male, who leans more towards to the feminine side of the gender expression spectrum in a male dominated, colonial, white, and Western society. Historically, Asian men have been feminized , desexualized, and accessorized in society, especially through our media depictions.
I never grew up with m any Asian male leads to look up to that validated my brown skin as something sexually sought after.
The Asian characters I would see in the media were always sidekicks to white men or the comedic relief quick with a punchline ready. Femininity for men in general has always been looked down upon due to the preference of masculinity in Western culture and the strict gatekeeping of gender norms in the binary.
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The preference for these strict binaries is especially seen in the gay community. How can a queer femme Asian date? Can Grindr be Kindr? For a while, not being the sexual ideal made me feel being Asian and femme was invalid. Dating was a masquerade.
It forced me to conform to the latter of my Asian-American identity and admire and identify with white queer folk who were the only examples of acceptability I was exposed to. In my early stages of development, when I started to grasp the concept of love, I was already aware that my identities would get in the way.
That opinion was confirmed by the way men who came into my life treated me. This mindset was toxic but I allowed myself to be poisoned because it was either that or face the consequences of my truth.
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